In one week, I’m facilitating my first workshop in a series on Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC is an incredible modality that gives people a clear formula for dealing with differences and conflict in the relationships that matter most to them. The term ‘violent’ doesn’t refer only to physical confrontation, but to the ways that we criticize others and ourselves in moments of challenge. Those immediate judgments tend to increase the conflict and disconnection, rather than assist us in moving towards healing and reconnection.
As I prepare for this workshop, what am I realizing? I need to learn and practice this technique as much as anyone! It’s both humbling and exciting.
I just read this in my NVC book:
NVC points to the availability of four choices regarding where we put our attention when we have difficulty enjoying what someone is saying to us.
I can hear blame and think what’s wrong with them.
I can hear blame and think what’s wrong with me.
I can hear my own feelings and needs as I listen to their words.
I can hear their feelings and needs beneath their words.
How can something so simple be so revolutionary in a moment of conflict?
Recently, I had an exchange where I did not practice NVC (Ha! It happens!). Someone in my personal life gave me very intense and critical feedback. He angrily said, “You think you’re right all the time!”
Ouch. This is not something I want to exhibit in the world. It’s not in accordance with my values or how I self-identify. It hurt my feelings. It also confused me. My immediate reaction was— is this about me or is this a projection of something he is going through?
After a split moment where a number of feelings passed through my body, I chose Option #1 in the list above— “what’s wrong with him that he’s saying this to me right now??” My heart shut down and I felt angry.
After a bit, I moved to Option #2— “Maybe’s he’s right. Perhaps I’m just an a$$hole and this is a huge blindspot of mine that I’ve missed.”
Since the exchange, this friend and I have worked through this and returned to expressing compassion to one another (Yay!). As I look back, however, I see how much easier this moment would have been if I had practiced Option #3 and #4 above.
After he said, “You think you’re right all the time!”, what if my response had been:
“It seems like you’re feeling angry. It sounds like that might be because your need for inclusion and participation might not be getting met? Are you not feeling heard right now in this dialogue?”
Whoa. Game changer!! There are a number of steps to practice to arrive at that better response.
First, I have to be committed to deep listening and remaining in heart connection with someone.
Second, I have to be willing to pause and check in with myself before jumping to that patterned response of self-protection. Another possible response when he made the critical comment could have been: “Wow, I notice that’s bringing up a ton of emotion in my body. Can we pause there to give me time to see what’s arising before I respond?”
Third, I have to be willing to try something new. We break out of habitual ways of relating to one another by building new neural circuits in the brain and body.
The good news is that these new circuits are completely possible to train! We simply need practice and awareness.
If you’re in the Boulder area, join us on October 18 to learn and practice Nonviolent Communication in a safe and compassionate setting. If you can’t join us, you can still put this technique into practice right away. What would it look like to not jump to blaming yourself or the other? How can we all instead ask what needs aren’t getting met that are causing some big emotions to surface?
Then, we simply need to have the spiritual faith that there are ways for people to all get their needs met. It’s possible! It may just take a little time and creativity. :)
Hope to see you soon!
Blessings,
Kelley