On Tuesday evening, we had our first workshop in a new series on Authentic Relating. I was nervous going into it, as I usually am when taking on a new topic. Turns out, a lot of other people were nervous too. Many of them stated that the reason they came was that they enjoyed my previous events and thought they’d give this one a try as well.
Hearing that trust from people really warmed my heart. I felt tremendous gratitude for the previous years spent with amazing locals who are committed to their growth and community building.
It also made me wonder if this topic— Authentic Relating— is one that was very easy to explain in a short workshop description. ‘Being authentic’ can mean a lot of different things to different people. There are hundreds of ways to practice how to increase our authentic expression in the world. So what are we doing with ‘authentic relating’ workshops?
I offer that there are a few main pieces that we are practicing:
Being present in the moment with our own emotions, body sensations, needs, and desires
Feeling both safe and courageous enough to express those ‘in the moment’ feelings with another human being
Developing the skill to express ourselves compassionately and directly, taking responsibility for our individual experience
Becoming more comfortable with the fear of the unknown of how another sovereign individual will respond to our authentic expression
Truly allowing whatever comes up within ourselves and another human being, as an opportunity to develop our unconditional love
The last bullet point feels like the enlightenment practice to me. How can we fully allow our humanness— all the messy emotions, reactions, and uncertainties— in the container of unconditional love? How can we find deep connection with another person who operates and feels differently than us?
In essence— How can we experience Oneness in the midst of Duality?
The wonderful aspect of our Authentic Relating workshops is that we utilize a very specific and fun technique for developing these skills! In each workshop, we’ll play ‘authentic relating games’ which are exercises we do with other people that allow us to practice a particular skill.
On Tuesday, we played a game where two people sit across from one another. One person begins with the sentence stem, “Being with you, I notice…” They then have about 30 seconds to check in with the truth of what is happening in their body and awareness in that moment. They may say, “Being with you, I notice I feel nervous about forming a new connection with a stranger!” Or, “Being with you, I notice your smile and warmth. I feel comfortable in your presence and excited for what is about to happen.”
It could be absolutely anything, as long as it’s authentic to the experience of the speaker and is respectful to the other person.
When the first person is done speaking, the second person begins with the sentence stem, “Hearing that, I notice…” This person now has a chance to connect to the present moment truth in their body about what they are feeling with this person and with what has just been said.
How is this different from many daily encounters? It’s different because it’s not “small talk.” It’s also not discussing something that happened last week or last year. It’s not replaying the same story of who we are, what we do, and what our hobbies are. It’s a practice that helps us learn that true intimacy is formed by sharing the truth of who we are in this moment.
Many of us have a belief that we are only supposed to do that with partners or family members. Others are not even capable of being that vulnerable with those close loved ones!
Yet it’s ironic because our society is in a dearth of deep connection. We all know that social media and technology rarely give it to us. We may feel lonely or want a greater sense of belonging and tribe. We want people to really know us!
The way to do this is through greater present moment communication. It’s through a conscious choice to be vulnerable and reveal ourselves to others. It’s through a commitment to remain with whatever comes up in connection with another distinct individual, even when it feels edgy or uncertain. It’s by realizing that our differences and messy humanity are not the problem to be solved. We simply need to better learn how to compassionately accept ourselves and one another in the midst of uniqueness.
I feel super excited about the Authentic Relating workshops to come. If you live in the Boulder area, I hope you’ll join us! If you live elsewhere, you can still choose today to live with more authenticity and allowing. Your friends and family will thank you for it.
Blessings,
Kelley
P.S. I want to give a big shout out to my friend, Jason Diggs, and his awesome book, Conflict = Energy: The Transformative Practice of Authentic Relating, which inspired this workshop series! I highly recommend it.