Relationships are very important to all of us, yet they can also be challenging. How much do you take care of yourself and how much do you take care of the other? If we have different needs in the moment from our partner, parent, or best friend, whose needs do we prioritize? And how the heck do we develop language to talk about these things without it feeling super awkward??
The practice of Authentic Relating is one where we can explore these dynamics in a safe environment. We’ve done three Authentic Relating workshops in the Spiritually Human MeetUp so far and really fascinating pieces are already rising to the surface for people.
In our last gathering, I led people through a ‘game’ where people were divided into groups of three. Each person had 8-10 minutes to ask the other two people for what would make them feel most nourished. The other people in the group then had a chance to say yes to the request, or practice saying no, making a return request for an alteration in the plan that would meet both of their needs.
I gave people a bunch of possible ideas, led a guided meditation for people to access their needs, and encouraged them to be creative. One group of three all agreed to exchange massage. Some people used the time to share about something in their life and receive feedback. Other folks asked to play charades or hide-and-go-seek to bring more play into their life.
For a few, it was just all around difficult. Knowing what I need? Imagining how others can help meet that need? Making a clear request for it? Then receiving it? IN TEN MINUTES??
Hahaha, I have so much love for all the brave souls that chose to explore this with me! I completely understand all the different reactions. These practices are not easy. We aren’t taught how to express our feelings and needs in modern education systems. It’s scary, and most of us have to intentionally learn new skills as adults in order to even know how to do it.
However, taking the time to learn and practice these tools is extremely valuable. The techniques can immediately start improving the relationships we care most about in our lives.
Without these skills, it’s easy to get lost in heady arguments about ‘who is right’ or ‘whose fault it is’ without even taking the time to identify what we are feeling and needing. As long as we are looking to ‘win’ an argument or ‘be right’, we are missing out on a chance to still feel deeply connected to those we love in the midst of polarity.
Human beings are inherently different from one another. You will not always agree with your partner. Your parent or child may have a drastically different value system from you.
Thankfully, we do not need everyone to be on the same page in order to get along. We can feel very differently from those we love and still experience a deep bond. In order to do this, however, we have to know how to speak the language of feelings and needs. We have to be able to say something like,
“I’m feeling anxious right now because my need for safety is not getting met. Can we pause this conversation to make sure we show more care for one another while we navigate this difficult issue?”
It may seem formulaic at first, but it’s a lot better than the alternative: “Why are you being so difficult and mean right now?! You’re never able to talk about things calmly and that’s why we fight all the time!”
In the first option, the speaker takes responsibility for their feeling (anxiety) and links that feeling back to an unmet need within themself, rather than blaming the other person. In the second option, the speaker’s intensity and blame will probably cause the other person to react defensively and increase the sense of division.
So far, in our Authentic Relating workshops, we haven’t had any heated arguments among participants (haha, we’ll show up for that if it happens!). We are, however, practicing the tools in a gentle and playful setting that will be wonderfully impactful in a moment of challenge in their daily life.
Polarity and differences are inevitable in life. They aren’t the problem. They are actually the spice of life! The difficulty is that we haven’t been taught how to navigate them in a healthy way that allows for people on both sides to feel heard and honored.
In our Authentic Relating workshops, we’re trying to make sure people have some fun while feeling engaged. It’s a fabulous way to make new conscious friends, feel deep connection, and practice our genuine self-expression. Over time, however, attendees will also learn some skills that can literally change our world. Authentic Relating has the potential to help humanity with celebrating differences rather than going to war over them.
And like most things, it starts very simply— with you. With your daily life. With the people you love the most.
I hope you’ll all join us to experience the magic.
Blessings,
Kelley
(P.S. If you don’t live in the Boulder area, but want the juicy skills, feel free to reach out for an individual remote session where we can practice the same techniques!)