“Liar! Liar! You’re such a liar. I’m not even going to listen because I know you’re lying. LIAR!!!”
I was sitting on the grass in my neighborhood recently when I heard my neighbor screaming this at his partner. Yikes. As you can probably imagine, the partner’s response was immediately defensive: “I’m not lying! I’m not a liar!”
My heart sank for them. I could feel the intensity of pain, anger, and uncertainty in the words.
Conflict is inevitable in partnership. It’s completely natural and can even be a healthy expression of two sovereign individuals choosing to share space.
Unfortunately, however, we are not taught in our educational systems how to work through conflict with skillful grace. Without the proper tools and self-awareness, conflict can revert to the elementary school playground techniques of name calling, yelling, and finger pointing.
When people feel extremely hurt or vulnerable, the fight, flight, or freeze response can turn on. My neighbor clearly has a primed fight response and his instinct was to go on the offensive. I imagine he got angry at a perceived transgression of his partner’s and made sure to express his righteous rage— likely before he even understood how and why he felt so hurt and vulnerable underneath.
I have a lot of empathy for my neighbors. Partnership is extremely tender and challenging. Moments of tension are a part of the human experience, but we can learn tools to help us move through conflict in a healthier manner.
How could my neighbor have approached this differently?
First, he could have slowed down and investigated his own emotions. Often, conflict builds farther and faster than it needs to because people are reacting quickly and mindlessly. In a sincere willingness to pause, check in with his body, and feel his emotions, he might have been able to discover that anger wasn’t the only emotion which was activated. While anger has a healthy place in our lives to set boundaries and access our power, anger needs the counter balance of ‘hurt’ to keep it in check.
Hurt tells us that one of our core human needs hasn’t been met. In this case of my neighbors, a need for integrity, safety, and trust was unmet. I have a strong hunch that other unmet needs were involved as well (i.e. respect, warmth, authenticity, etc).
We often feel a sense of loss and grief when our human needs are unmet. This is a fundamental human response which is generally not transcended as long as we are in a physical body. :) Thus, the opportunity is to learn to work with it.
What if my neighbor had been able to say, “I’m feeling a lot of anger. I’m also feeling insecure and vulnerable in our connection. I have a strong need for honesty and trust in our relationship so that I can feel safe. I’m really disappointed that our communication is not meeting my need for authenticity and respect. I need some time to process the intensity of this emotional charge in my body. When I’ve calmed down a bit, I’d like to talk about your experience and understand how we can rebuild trust in one another.”
What a game changer, right?? In the statement above, my neighbor would have taken responsibility for the emotions in his body, rather than resorting to blame and name calling. He would have linked his uncomfortable emotions to his unmet needs. He also would have given himself permission to be human— asking for time to calm down rather than expecting himself to be prepared for a full conversation at that moment (which he certainly was not!).
I realize it can seem difficult to access all this wisdom in the moment once we are feeling a lot of charge in our body. That’s why we practice when we aren’t emotionally triggered!
Our workshop series on Authentic Relating has been going great, teaching attendees how to access and share the feelings in their body in the present moment with another human being. Join us if you are in the Boulder area to experiment and play with new skills. If you live elsewhere, remember one thing— when you’re in conflict, pause and take the time to identify all the different emotions and unmet needs in your experience.
Sharing those elements will give the other person a chance to receive your emotions and consider how important needs could be met. Blame, name calling, and assumptions about their experience will most often put them on the defensive— making it very hard for them to access their own generosity and divine spirit that is willing to meet your needs.
Blessings to all of us to remember this wisdom when we need it the most!
With Kindness,
Kelley